Brave...

Just before you went to sleep this morning, you asked me if I was ever afraid of losing you. When I answered honestly, that the fear of it is always in the back of my mind, to a greater or lesser degree, because of my abandonment trauma, you seemed surprised, and a little heartbroken. I asked for a bit of patience, and continued. 

Yes, I am always a little, and sometimes very, afraid that I’ll mess something up somehow, and you’ll have no choice but to leave me. While I don’t think that will ever realistically happen, it’s the nature of trauma to be irrational, and I wanted to be honest with you about that, as I do in all things. But…being with you, loving you as much as I do, and fearing the loss ever more as that love grows deeper each day, has made me braver than I ever knew I could be. 

In the safety of your heart, and this beautiful relationship that we’ve built, those fears, which I’ve carried all my life, don’t seem as daunting. That fear has taught me to be brave, because you and this are worth fighting for, and I will, for the rest of my life. I will be brave for you. When the whispers come, when they turn to screams, I feel your hand on my shoulder, hear your gentle voice say to me, “I will never leave you,” and my soul is filled with courage, because, for the first time in my life, I believe it when someone tells me that, because you have shown me, over and over, that it’s true, just by choosing me in return every day. I love you, my sweet girl, fiercely, truly, and dearly, now and always.