Choice and compromise...

I woke up very early this morning, curled beneath the blanket that we share when we’re sleeping together, beside my open window. It was cool and rainy, and I was lulled back to sleep, drifting on thoughts of you. This afternoon, as we talked, you told me how much you enjoy the fact that it’s almost always sunny where you live, and where I will live when we’re finally able to be together. It brought to mind a discussion we had last night about the places where we see life differently. While none of them are important, being just small preferences here and there, like sunshine to more rainy climates, or particular aesthetic styles, we both have a bit of trauma around that sort of disconnection, normal and healthy as it is to have different tastes.

For me, there’s the fear that I can’t speak up when something doesn’t suit me, born from too many relationships where my opinions not only didn’t matter, but were punished, were they to veer from those of my partners. On your end, you worry that you’re too stubborn or pushy with your own likes and dislikes, and that you’ll steamroll me so I end up in places I don’t really want. Neither of those things really applies to us, as, together, we tend to be very good at finding compromises where everyone ends up satisfied, but the trauma is still there. It’s one more thing that we’re able to heal with one another.

You create a space for me to say no, anytime, and without pushback. At most, you’ll ask why so that you can understand, rather than to try and find an argument for why your way is better. I do the same with you. I feel as though my voice matters as much as yours, and I hope it helps ease your mind about overpowering me. You don’t, ever. I always feel like I have a say, even if I don’t particularly care enough to use it. Knowing that I can makes all the difference in the world. And I always encourage you to tell me what you want, in small things as well as in the bigger stuff, and it’s beautiful watching you bloom in that space. It’s quite wonderful, as are you, and I love you, a great deal, my sweet girl.