Waves...

Night before last, we had a date night call that kept us up till the early hours of the morning, which was wonderful. I went to sleep up expecting to be tired when I woke early the next morning, happy to pay the price for the lovely evening with you. I did wake up feeling tired, but not quite in the way I expected. Physically, I was fine, but I felt a weight on my heart that I carried all day long, until we said goodnight, and I found sleep again.

I spent most of yesterday trying to understand the shape of the heaviness on my heart, and I think it was grief, the deep sadness that is inevitable in the wake of loss. For no discernable reason, I woke up under it, and only really came up for air a few times, when you excitedly sent me a little Christmas, you and the girls, my pride in a sky blue ribbon, and, now and then, how much you missed me.

Strange as it sounds, I needed to feel missed, because it helped me to remember that the lost I felt was temporary. You were, once again, the bright star that, though the clouds only broke now and then, was still leading me home. Thank you for that, my sweet girl. I love you, fiercely, for always being there.

Looking back today, with most of the wave having passed while I slept, I realize something you've probably been thinking since the second paragraph. I should have told you. And I know that, baby. I do. It's the clearest thing in the world now. But it wasn't, then. Them, it was obscured by thoughts ofcbeinf burdensome, of not wanting to make an already exhausting day for you more so, and all the other nonsense I work so hard, mostly successfully, to quiet all the time. But, as I said, yesterday, I was tired. So I didn't, so please know that I'm sorry. Truly.

But also please know that, even without being aware, you were still there for me, that you still carried me in your love. No matter how dark it got, I saw your light, no matter how cold, I had the memory of the warmth of your arms around me. Good love, true love, lingers in the heart, even in absence, and gives a strength through its unerring certainty. You are that for me, a constant in my world, and I love you dearly, now and always.